2009-2014!
Yeah, that didn't work out all that well. Let's take 2.
So, life got very busy and things like this blog just sort of got left on the wayside for a while. I suppose catching up on things might be a good way to renew the life of this blog. Let's start from the top, in no particular order.
So, as it turns out, I'm a narcissist, yay! Who would have thought that a self-centered asshole would have problems seeing non-personal repercussions to his own actions, and be casual about emotionally hurting others?
Not to make light of it necessarily, but it was painful to be confronted with, and has demanded a lot of me emotionally and mentally. It's re-configuring how I think about myself, my interactions with others, and is demanding a level of empathy that I thought I was used to, but simply wasn't the case. I ended up hurting people very close to me, and I have spent a lot of time, if not making it right, then at least trying to start again doing the right thing. I had been seeing a therapist over it, and was trying to get some serious behavioral modification in place, but things have been hectic the last few months, and I'm trying very hard to make time to pick up where we left off.
Turns out, I'm also clinically depressed! What a combo! Raging cock to everyone, and my life was still miserable! I'd been that way ever since I was in the Navy, but I had always made excuses for the way I had felt. 'Oh, it's because my job sucks,' or, 'Oh, it's because money is tight,' or 'Oh, me and my SO are going through a bunch of rough patches.' Things would drag me down, sap away my energy, and just make me miserable, but I never thought it was me, but either my surroundings or my circumstances.
That's a dangerous combination when it comes to a narcissist.
I started subconsciously blaming my SO, a wonderful, patient, loving, caring woman, and, being who she is, she tried changing for me. She tried a lot. A whole lot. So much, in fact, that it had some really serious effects on her self-image and confidence. She thought she was awful, and ugly, and not worth other people's time. And every time I snapped at her, or yelled at her, or made little hints that things should change, it made things worse. We are both working at helping her re-build her self-image into the amazing woman I ruined. I carry a lot of grief and self-loathing regarding those actions of myself towards my loved ones. It's a hard process, and one in which I find myself backsliding occasionally. Fortunately, I have an understanding fiancee that is not shy about letting me know when I'm being a jackass, and righting my bad behaviors and habits. We support each other in our brokenness, and it sort of works.
Well, enough depressing shit! I've become better at my job than ever, and might be making a sideways move into a local, permanent position (hopefully!). My SO and I are both members at a local gym, and we will be going back together as soon as her arm is healed from trying too hard to fix a van for her brother. She's developed a debilitating case of social anxiety, and we are both working on integrating her back into social settings in as gentle a manner as possible.
Our daughter is doing very well in school, and has just started 5th grade. She reads like it's a drug, and I couldn't be happier. She's also growing up gamer, and is already asking questions and forming opinions of the industry that reflect my own, but are coming up independently: She wants to know why she can't play more games with a girl as the hero, thinks that games can be art just as much as anything else (thanks Journey and Entwined), and is addicted to Minecraft. She's also a giant smartass, and knows it. It's ok though, since it's cute, and she behaves wonderfully in public and at school, which tells me that she's developing a startlingly good sense of judgement. She just lacks confidence in most things, which is painful to see, since I was the same way growing up. We do what we can, and encourage her in things that she tries, but nothing seems to work.
Oh, she's a science geek too! She always has crazy questions regarding the world, nature, the universe, and life in general, under the lens of scientific scrutiny. She's come up with a lot of spot-on conclusions on her own here as well. There's a lot to be proud of there, and she's just getting better and better as time goes on.
We have two cats as well: Zombie and Caboose, with pictures to come later. They are an odd lot; Zombie was named since she had to have her right front leg amputated from being in some sort of farm machinery accident before we saved her, and Caboose...well, watch Red Vs. Blue. You'll get the gist. They keep life interesting, and are lovable to boot.
Well, enough catching up. I'll be back soon, with just as broad a set of topics as I can find.
